How You Know You're A Night Shift Nurse

...Because sometimes, you forget these things when you're exhausted after a 12.5 hour shift

1. You have to write yourself notes on the back of your hand to remember to pick up your kids



2. You discover after a long shift that you've parked your car half on the curb and half off



3. You've fallen asleep in the driveway



4. You notice in your charting (in the medical record) that you've typed "Nursing Sh*t Summary" instead of Nursing Shift Summary and "Beastfeeding" instead of breastfeeding



5. You cry when the traffic is bad and you don't have time to pick up your coffee before work



6. You forget to screw the bottles onto your breast pump and fall asleep while pumping, only to wake up to milk spilling all over your clothes



7. You have friends/family that don't understand why your lazy bum is still asleep at 1pm after working all night and getting to bed at 10am



8. You've cried when you see your patient assignment for the night



9. You've taken enough benadryl to knock out a horse in an attempt to fool your body into sleeping at odd times



10. You can do anything in the dark.









...Yep, done 'em all.









...and courtesy of allnurses.com, some more general, "you-know-you're-a-nurse-when" funnies~Sorry if it offends, us nurses have to either laugh or cry sometimes when the stress is overwhelming~
You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over
You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'
You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)
You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time
In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
You believe sick people don't *itch
You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.
You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
You believe: If the child is quiet, be scared.
You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem

You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride was
You never trust crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked.

You believe there is no such thing as a "textbook case"
You believe just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.
You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your behind covered!
You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.
To you the phrase "divide and conquer" means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.

You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.
You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them
You believe the best patients are SIR...Sedated, Intubated and Restrained
You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience
You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, 'Hey, watch this'
You no longer have a gag reflex.
You want to throttle anyone that states: Night shift must be so boring, all the patients do is sleep
You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light
You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.

You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
You think real friends help you move dead bodies
Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.
You have ever had a track ridden prego tell you not to ruin her veins when you try to find one she hasn't already used, to start an IV

You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation.

You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.

You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage.

You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off

You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."
You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.
You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers."

You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet
You've ever eaten your lunch out of an emesis basin, and poured your drink from a Urimeter container.
You refer to a patient as having a high DBI (dirt bag index), which is calculated by the following formula: DBI = number of tattoos divided by number of missing teeth, multiplied by number of "tracks" added to estimated days without a bath!
You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status

You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac
You believe the lab should have a 'dumb sh#t' profile on the lab requisition slip
You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably
You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will be your next project.
You believe a good tape job will fix anything
You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when they present with a complaint of migraine, lower back pain or chronic myalgia....and they list numerous allergies (except Demerol or Morphine)
You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer"

You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there"
You have ever restrained someone...and it wasn't a sexual experience
You believe a "Supreme Being" consult is your patient's only hop
Your bladder expands roughly to same capacity as a Winnebago's water tank
Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard
...and you know it's going to be a bad shift when...
Just as you're walking into the hospital for your shift, you hear "Code Blue" followed by your unit.
Eight of your patients have had 13 BM's, and it is not even the first hour.
All of your patients are restrainted and just happen to be related to Harry Hodieni.
Your coming on shift, and you see a patient from your unit making a break for the main entrance in their Birthday Suit followed by six nurses and two techs from your unit.
When the night shift (Or day shift) who doesn't smoke hands you a pack of cigarettes and says "Here, You'll need this."
During report on 605, night nurse laughs and refuses to tell you why.
When the night shift tells you good luck
You only have one patient at report.
When you hear a doctor go "Oops."
The the Alzheimers guy in 405 tries to climb into bed with Alzheimers lady in 406, insisting they are married
When your patient has 72 different meds to be given during the day
They put the psych patient who thinks he is Jesus right next door to the one who thinks he is Satan
...Like I said, you gotta either laugh, or cry!