thankful

It's that time of year again, November, when facebook feeds are littered with 2 things, guys sporting mustaches for cancer awareness, and others posting daily "what I'm thankful for" posts.
It's a nice tradition I suppose, to be thankful and express that.
Life just seem so damn hard lately. And it's not for the usual reasons, not just because of working, or because I have 3 kids under the age of six, or because Aili has started regular school with homework and benchmarks to meet. It's not just because Andie is a challenging (to me) three-year-old, one who makes even the task of getting out the door to do something fun like a party or play date an absolute chore. It's not because I have a little baby that is still nursing, and am pumping milk for her too, and in the back of my mind I am thinking 'oh yeah, I think she has milestones she should be meeting, too, and i need to maybe help her with that...?
It's not because I have baby weight to lose, and I want to go work out more, and I miss that, but I feel guilty sometimes spending more time away, spending an hour or two at the gym while Jeff wrangles the three little ones. 
I guess it is complicated.
That's a stupid answer, but that's all I've got, for now. 
But this isn't a post about that.
 It's the cold time of year again. This past week as I'm driving home from work it's been in the high 20s, which is just too darn cold for me, thankyouverymuch.

Some pictures from around our yard. Because if I am going to freeze, I would at least like to be freezing with the sun out, that is much more enjoyable. Also, I like to take pictures of the ice crystals. 
I am thankful for the hobby of photography. 
I dedicated a whole blog entry about that here, how photography helps me to understand both myself, and life, better. How, along with good music, it is my "therapy." 

I am thankful for this girl...

I just love little babies so much. Whatever will I do, when there are no more babies for me? I mean, besides the ones at work. I'm not counting them. Obviously.

But this girl, she is the icing on the cake. She is the epitome of sweet. Her smile can light up a room and her giggle is my light. 

Someone else really loves her, too. 

 I love how good of a big sister she is. I am so glad that I didn't have my kids completely bam-bam-bam, because watching her love on baby Avie with an almost maternal sense is just so heartwarming. I look at her and can see the great mother she'll someday (maybe, if motherhood is what she wants) become. She likes to bring the baby upstairs in the morning, change her diaper, and play with her. 

I am thankful that although Andie is a terror, she is also so affectionate. She is going through a very "kissy" phase. She is always kissing us, hugging us, asking to go "uppa" (be picked up), and telling us that she loves us. 

 You'll have to ignore the lack of make up and dirty ponytail. Aili has taken to borrowing my camera/iphone (among other things...) and taking pictures. Maybe she is taking after her mama?

I am grateful that my girls are so different. Aili is more like me: looks like me (only prettier, lucky girl!), acts like me. She is so empathetic, and I love that. It does remind me of myself though, and then the mama in me gets worried. Because she is my child, and I never want her to hurt as bad as I have, and I want to save her from heartbreak and unfairness and the general lack of karma there seems to be at times in this world. I know I can't though. I can only love her, and pray.
And then there is Andie. I love that she is opposite of Aili, and in fact, is different from all of us (and no, not just in looks, although it does seem that perhaps the mailman impregnated me). She is spicy and lively. She may be so difficult to parent, especially at three, but I don't think I will ever need to worry about her standing up for herself, or getting taken advantage of, or having her heart ripped out by someone who never deserved it in the first place. Andie Lucie will be  survivor, I am pretty sure.
Not sure yet about Avery...I can't yet picture her as a teen or a grown-up.

I am thankful for my husband (He is not home to take a picture of). I am thankful that he loves his girls, that he wants to be a god dad for them, and is so very involved. I am so thankful that he is also in the medical field as well, that he understands when I come home in fear that I may have not done the best, that maybe something different could have been done, that I might have hurt someone's child. There is no possible way to understand that fear, unless you are also in a related field. Not just the bad, also the joy and elation. The responsibility of knowing that you have the power to save, or end, someone's life, if you make a mistake. I know plenty of people do it, but I just can't picture being married to an accountant or programmer or something (no offense, anyone...also very necessary jobs, just very different).

My mind is typically very busy...what I want may change throughout the course of a day, a week, a year.

I want to move to Australia, and deliver babies at home

I want to travel back to Africa, and take my children and show them real life, where priorities are getting water, not ipads or trendy clothes. And I want to help.

I want to open a birth center on the central coast (of California)

I want to go back to school, and be surrounded by brilliant people, throwing ideas around about life, theology, and philosophy, and about health care reform.

I want to stay at home more, spend more time coloring with crayons and enjoying the simple life.

What I want may change as often as Andie changes her clothes (well, maybe not THAT often!).

And, I am so very thankful that I may possibly have the chance to figure that all out. 

Andie sure is goofy

Taken from our front deck